The Mexican

Over the years, Sybil has "employed" many a person. I'm using the term employed loosely. I have never confirmed anyone ever received any money for working for her. At best, I might have seen her give some advice for services rendered.

There were the countless cleaning ladies who were shit (refused to be paid with post dated checks), gardeners who were thieves (outrageous prices for mowing such a small lawn), and now aides who at $11 an hour are nasty (don't appreciate being told their grandmother's chicken recipe is shit) and insubordinate (utter refusal to rake the lawn so it will be easier to fire the gardener)!

With all of that said, Sybil has set some sort of record with her current aide. She not only has worked for her for over a year, but she also convinced her it was mutually beneficial for her to sleep in her home. I'm not sure what this woman's end game is, but she is either going for Sainthood or is planning to murder Sybil in what the courts will describe as self defense or a crime of passion. Let's hope its a combination of all three.

Case for Sainthood:

I called Sybil a week ago and this was the conversation:

Barry: Hi How are you?
Sybil: My back hurts, but I'm going to get the Mexican to rub it.
Barry: Can you please use her name. She has worked for you for a year.
Sybil (asking someone who is clearly standing in front of her): Hey, what's your name?
Lourdes: Lourdes
Sybil: Her name is Lourdes.
Barry: I've got to go. Talk to you later.

It's okay guys, she's not a racist. She likes her even though she's Mexican.

Case for a crime of passion:

I called Sybil yesterday and this was the conversation:

Barry: Hi How are you?
Sybil: Ugh I'm sitting here waiting for Lolita to get back from Friendly's.
Barry: Lolita? Don't you mean the Mexican, I mean Lourdes.
Sybil (laughing): Yeah Lourdes but I call her Lolita as a joke. She thinks it's funny.
Barry: I'm sure she does. I've got to go.

Case for self defense:

Coming Soon!

Cold Calling the Police

Over the years, Sybil has called the police for everything from our maid having an epileptic seizure to needing a jar opened. No lie on that second one. It's a known fact in Hillsdale that if you join the police department, you are to protect and serve my mother as if she signed your check and post dated it herself. With that in mind, it came as shock to me that Sybil informed me that the police were called on her today. With the words coming out of her mouth I assumed it was a wellness check by one of her friends in a similar vein to the ones I do when she won't answer the phone in some passive aggressive huff because I didn't call her back within the hour. But no I was wrong, this time the police were called because she was the perp!! Obviously I asked her to explain the ordeal so I knew if she had a valid case when she decided to sue for police brutality. Sybil (paraphrased for three incoherent half sentences): So I woke up at 5AM this morning and I was confused. It was dark out so when I looked at the clock I assumed it was 5 in the afternoon. Feeling refreshed I decided to make some phone calls. First, I called Dean Lebowitz. His wife answered and screamed it was 5 in the morning and hung up. Second, I called a teacher I hadn't seen or talked to in thirty years. Her husband said she wasn't home. he was polite though. Third, I called Mindy. She screamed into the phone it was 5 in the morning and she was calling the police to have me arrested. That's when I realized I had the time of day wrong. When asked if the police came to her house she said no, but not for a lack of trying. She followed up with them shortly before I called to see if they got the complaint and to let them know she had a list of things for them to do when they came for the investigation. Things of note: Dean Lebowitz is a teacher Sybil lends money to Mindy is a piece of shit - Sybil's words

Year of the Cocksucker!

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Happy Hanukkah!

Sybil: What are you getting me for Hanukkah? Barry: I don't know. What are you getting me? Sybil: I gave you a good birthday gift. That's what I'm getting you. Barry: I'll let you know.

Voice Mails

You ever read a book and have a clear picture in your head of what the characters look and sound like? Then the movie comes out and you are disappointed. I can't bear the thought of people getting the wrong idea of what Sybil looks and sounds like so I'm going to do my best to post some of the many, many, many voice mails I get in a week.

Enjoy, and sorry she doesn't sound like you may have envisioned.

Just trying to help

Conversation this morning:

Sybil: I want to live somewhere that I'll see people and have activities.
Me: You could always go to prison. You'll see people and have plenty of planned out things to do.
Sybil: You're nasty!

I was being practical. It seemed like a better deal than a nursing home.

Pizza Squirrel

Over July 4th I took my daughter on our annual trip to visit Sybil in New Jersey. What's the point of paying for her therapy if she has nothing to talk about. With this trip, there has been a huge influx of material for the blog. Much like cleaning out my mother's house when she kicks it, I don't know where to start.

Now that I'm thinking about trash we might as well start with the Pizza Squirrel.

Growing up, we had a very eclectic set of trash cans at Sybil's. At any given time there was a combination of the following:

• Metal Trash cans - taken from her house in the Bronx in 1972. The best way to describe them is the can Oscar the Grouch lives in.
• Lawn Can - One of those huge barrels for grass. Purchased in 1992.  Recently stolen. Sybil will not let this go.  I tried to explain that she got her money's worth.
• One Rubbermaid trash can with a mismatched lid.
• One barrel that fell off a truck, spilling chemicals everywhere. Sybil promptly grabbed it and now uses it for recyclables. Most likely radioactive.

Before the trip, Sybil informed me that some animals ate through the mismatched lid on her Rubbermaid can and were spreading trash everywhere. To combat these brazen thieves Sybil spent $24 on a new can and matching lid.

From the second I got to Sybil's, I was told over and over and over again to make sure the new can was shut tight so no animal would get in. I complied but first yelled, "Stop nagging me."

One day I went out and my phone was ringing off the hook. To no surprise it was Sybil. When I answered she immediately started screaming at me that I left the can open and animals ate through the lid. My question to her was, if I left the can open why would they need to eat through the lid? To that she responded with silence.

As I pulled up to her house I saw a squirrel running through her yard with a slice of pizza in it's tiny hands. I'm just going to assume he got it from the trash can, but then again it's Jersey so that slice could have come from anywhere.

Today I called Sybil and she said she was taking the trash out when a squirrel lunged for her. She pressed her Life Alert but they never responded! Don't you talk into it when you press the button?

"Help, help, I'm being attacked by squirrels and my sons aren't nice!"

Next Up: Elder Abuse