The other night I had a dream that my mother, Sybil, asked me to help her clean out her house so she could move closer to me in California. I somehow agreed which clearly meant I either had a massive stroke or was having a nightmare. My dead father being there slightly less dead might have been a tip off too. As I rummaged through the hoards of free gifts from Citizen's First National bank, wondering how I won the genetic lottery, a dumpster was delivered so I could properly dispose of Sybil's "treasures." Being that even in my dreams nothing goes easily, the dumpster was put on my neighbor's lawn instead of ours. When I told the toothless truck driver there was a mistake, I was informed that maybe if my mother didn't pay with a post dated check, they would be inclined to move it. At this point my rage was so bad that my screaming at my mother for being a cheap fuck woke me in real life. As I lay in my bed in a pool of sweat and urine I realized it was time for others to get some enjoyment out of my misery. Sure she isn't dead and it's in horrible taste, but what can you do. Over the next few months or years I plan to paint a picture that most likely will make you appreciate your own mother in ways you didn't think were possible. Topics will include but are not limited to:
- Long distance phone calls
- Never paying for a meal
- Everyone has more than me
- Dating a goy
- How to mispronounce Yiddish words
- My marriage failed because of my sister in law.
- Being afraid of animals
- The proper way to buy an engagement ring
- Everyone is an anti-semite
- Making money off your children
- Being jealous of your children
- Insurance Fraud
- Fighting with siblings
- It's everyone else's fault
- My children are mean to me
- Superstition
- You wished me dead
- I passed out and someone stole ten dollars from my purse
- How to absolve yourself of student loans
- Lying about simple things
- Lying about big things
- Fighting with everyone
- Mispronouncing words
Let the fun begin!
Sybil on her wedding day (second marriage)
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